0. My name is Benjamin Sheffield. I am a world champion breather.

1. I have breathed for literally thousands of seconds without pausing. I have no plans to stop. I’m breathing as I talk to you, and it’s not even hard. You can’t rest on your laurels in this breathing game, otherwise someone will breathe for even more seconds and then win. What do they win? It doesn’t matter. I’ll never need to know.

2. A prisoner in solitary confinement stopped talking one day. He wrote a note to the guard on duty, explaining, in perfect clarity, that the devil had removed his tongue. They prised open his mouth, shone a light inside, and told him that his tongue was still there. He wrote “pray for eyes”.

3. A wise thing to pray for. Eyes. I want to see everything. I can’t be as smart or as strong as you, but if I see the snake in the long grass and you don’t, what does the rest matter?

4. My life is about searching for knowledge (and power) in weird places. I like obscure things. I am an obscure thing. My life is old books, videogames that require emulation to work, Youtube videos with seventeen views, and forgotten truths. Nobody censors the truth: instead, they let it become obscure in plain sight. Somewhere in public landfill is a three-inch block of metal worth $127 million dollars. When I find an unlabelled box, the impulse to tear it open is strong.

5. Only two reasons exist to do anything: you’re interested in them, or they’re interested in you. Things that fall into one or both classes for me include web design, audio production, aesthetics, system administration, prose, genetics, bodybuilding, retro PC games, heavy metal, psoriasis, etc.

6. I’m politically conservative, on the grounds that there are usually thousands of ways to ruin things and one way not to. I don’t loathe progressive ideas, but I think they should be pounded repeatedly into a brick wall to see if they break.

7. Nobody, in the end, ignores carrots and sticks. If a person’s actions don’t make sense, think about the consequences, and infer motives from that.

8. The Porsolt test measures how long a rat swims when dropped in a beaker of water. Rats on antidepressants such as Prozac swim longer.

These are some of my beliefs.