I recently had the misfortune to find an “anti-Twilight” site.... | News | Coagulopath

I recently had the misfortune to find an “anti-Twilight” site. Needless to say, it’s saturated with hipster 14-year-old girls from 4chan who are convinced they are the saviors of literature, but that’s not the issue. They have a hate mail section, and I was struck by the realisation that nobody knows how to pull off funny hate mail responses anymore.

http://theantitwilightmovement.webs.com/mailbag.htm

That shit is WEAK. No funny put-downs. No witty zingers. It’s just various rewordings of “I DISAGREE WITH YOUR OPINION!!!” and over the course of ten hopeless pages. There was one hate mailer who said “leave Meyer alone!” and they replied with a picture of Chris Crocker, but that was as funny as it got.

I’m a slow-witted person myself. Once, a bully at school called me dumb, and my response was “y…your mom!” mumbled alone in my bedroom, seventeen years later. But not even I suck this much. These girls are so bad, that if they had to perform stand-up they would…NOT BE VERY GOOD AT IT.

I will steal some of their hate mail and write my own response to it, to show you fellas how it should be done.

“you need therapy. you must have alot of problems. pretty much everybody likes that movie. you doin this, because you think it makes you kool? pretty much makes ya’ll low as hell. get over yourselvs ive never read any of the books, or watched the movie. but my bestfriend is in love with them. and YOU ruined her mood! so now you geta hear from me =)”

SHUT UP. I HATE YOU. YOU SUCK.  YOU’RE GAY. YOU’RE GAYER THAN THE GAYEST GAY WHO EVER GAYED IN GAYSBURG USGAY. GAAAY. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

“Um Yeah, You ..must.. not of read the fucking books, your ….STUPID…. for making an ‘anti-twilight’ site. ….Twilight is amazing…. ..DONT.. fuckin diss Stephanie’s writing,cos like,really. Shes an amazing writer,and i love her books, Specially the Twilight saga, They ..ARE.. the best books,And ..YOU..,you stupid fuck tard, are gay,and stupid,and a loser,and all those fucking things you think Twilight are,Get a life. Go Die.”

You use a lot of full stops. Perhaps, then, you’ll enjoy the “full stop” I will administer to your life via a golf-club to the face. And then I’ll force you to eat a cancer pill. And then you’ll have to fly to the hospital on a plane surrounded by psychologically devastated children and you’ll be wearing a crotch-mounted child-molestor belt that puts 16 billion volts through your body every time one of them cries. And then you’ll get to the hospital and they’ll put you in a bed and the doctor will be all like “don’t worry, we can operate on the cancer” and it will all be really hopeful and upbeat but then he’ll be be all like “nah, just kidding. You have five minutes to live” and then you’ll cry I hate you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

“ok, u ppl the “anti twilight movement” whatever that is, NEED TO GET A LIFE! your just jealous because twilight IS the best book ever written and IS the best movie ever! GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!!!!”

I would “get over it” but I can’t because I’m so fat. Wait, no, because YOU’RE so fat. Oh shit, that doesn’t work…

…Just trust me, you’re fat, OK?

“you suckkk! twilight rocksss! :D”

It’s funny that you should say this, because your mother once expressed similar (although not identical) views to me when we were playing scrabble. This game of scrabble led to small talk and sharing of anecdotes over a glass of wine, and although I sensed your mother was attracted to me, I respected her as a person and didn’t push things any further. We said goodbye and I left her house, and remain on good terms to her to this day. [Note the subtlety. You don’t charge out with all guns blazing each time. Start slow, and chip away at their confidence.]

It can be tough writing funny responses to hate mail, but work at it! Practice hard and study your craft, and one day there will be 235239872 boring chucklefucks expressing their whiny opinions on the ‘net instead of 235239871 like there were before.