While I was at the shop, I saw a large... | News | Coagulopath

While I was at the shop, I saw a large amount of weird and counterproductive labeling.

Mexican tortilla bread, with the byline “fresh tasting”. Thanks, guys. For a second I thought the bread was actually fresh. Instead, it’s only fresh tasting. We really dodged a bullet there.

“Budget-rate bacon.” Gee, could they have a less appetizing name? How about “Grade-X Reconstituted Meat Product, Fresh From the Radiation-Scarred Tundra of Siberia.” I can see their whole ad campaign. A woman turns to the camera, smiles, and says “Did you know that 94% of our focus group were unable to tell the difference between imitation pig snouts and the real thing?”

Breakfast cereal with “20% of your daily fibre requirement” on the box. Above the words, you could squint and see a tiny, TINY asterisk. It was so small you’d swear a bug had not crapped on the box. I didn’t look for the text the asterisk was referring to, but I assume it was “*just as long as you’re on a zero-fibre diet.”

Double D candy is still in business. I respect those guys. They don’t tiptoe around the truth, or try to conceal the obvious. “Yeah, our candy turns you into a fatass. Bitch, please.”

In the “corporate executives trying to be hip” category, there was a cyber cafe with various “wacky” slogans printed on the computers. One of them was “Want to p0wn some n00bs? Ask at the counter.” Yeah, that was how they spelled it. I don’t know what p0wning is. I think it has to do with misplacing your soap in the prison shower.