This movie is so incomprehensible and confusing that it defies... | Movies / Reviews | Coagulopath

This movie is so incomprehensible and confusing that it defies description. Rearrange all the scenes at random and it would lose only a little bit of coherence. Replace every fourth word with “waffle”, “spinach” or “penismobile” and the dialogue would be only slightly more impenetrable. I can’t tell what the characters are trying to do, or why. The plot seems to have been assembled via a game of Chinese Whispers.

Badness is caused by many factors, and these factors stack like energy requirements on a Pokemon trading card. If enough factors are present (shoestring budget + incompetent writer + incompetent director + horrible foreign translation) it is said that a movie will evolve to Badness Level 3, and be able to unleash a devastating Crap Vortex attack upon the world, ripping a hole in space and time.

For those just tuning in, this is a 2002 Indonesian animated feature made by a man called Joseph Lai. I doubt he knows or cares, but Lai is fast becoming a legend in the underground film community, and brain-melting, monkey-raping pieces of shit like this are the reason why!

The plot of this alleged movie is that there’s an angel who gets kicked out of heaven for falling in love with a mortal man. We think she’s the main character, but early on she vanishes from the movie and we’re left with the angel’s handmaiden, who descends down to hell (I think) and becomes queen of a couple of demons (or something). Out of nowhere we meet these two guys who are searching for a sword. One of the guys journeys down to hell and meets the angel’s handmaiden and falls in love with her, even though she sent monsters to kill him. They have sex (fully clothed, as far as I can tell), and she has a baby. I mean, literally, has it right there, only one minute’s running time after he met her. I pretty much got lost there.

The plot is inane and bizarre beyond anything I’ve seen before. And that doesn’t turn Beauty and Warrior into a “so bad it’s good” cult classic, either. Quite the contrary, the movie drags like a one-legged turtle, grossly padded out by superfluous crap that has no right to even be on a daily reel, let alone a movie. Even the fights are as boring as fuck. You know the deal, long drawn out scenes where the two fighters stare into each other’s eyes…on and on and on. Yeah, other animes do it. This one does it worse.

Production values are several steps below cut-rate. There’s a one minute sequence where the hero is flying through a rocky tunnel, and it’s just the same footage repeating over and over. Late in the movie there’s a part that isn’t even animated. It’s just a picture with voice-overs over it. Detail is acceptable, but the voice acting is horrible, with everyone speaking English in a look-ma-I’m-reading-from-a-cue-card monotone. Probably the movie makes more sense in its original language, so let’s blame the translators. God knows there’s usually no correlation between what the characters say and what actually happens on screen.

Beauty and Warrior was an experience. No doubt getting your nutsack caught in a particle accelerator is also an experience. Bottom line: don’t watch, seek out, or even think about this movie.

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