Okayish romantic comedy—I don’t have any opinions on it, which is why I’m pounding out a review on it late at night. My voice must be heard.
Um…let’s see…a few funny jokes, it was nice to see Julie Andrews again, and Anne Hathaway is a dime. Not that I was swayed by her physical aspect. You might have been, you lech, but as for me…(adjusts bowtie, slicks back hair, applies a spritz of cologne, screams through a megaphone at passing group of women)…I jack it to women with ASPIRATIONS and PERSONALITIES!!! It was a shock (in a “seeing your teacher outside a classroom” way) to see a John Rhys-Davies role where he’s not a dwarf.
But as The Princess Diarrheas Number 2 ended, I was left with a burning question.
Why does Genovia have so many orphans?
A secondary plot point (in a movie which struggles to even have a first plot point) is that Anne Hathaway wants to turn a summer home for the Genovian royalty into a house for the nation’s orphans.
Orphans?
Genovia is described (in the first film) as a country “between France and Spain”. As you’d expect from such a place, characters have names like “John” and “Blake” and everyone speaks in a vague British accent. It appears to be a tax shelter for rich people. Yet it has orphans by the cartload! Racially diverse orphans, too!
Where did they all come from? Was there a Genovian genocide or Holodomor? An ethnic cleansing, purged from the pages of history? Has Anne Hathaway inherited a throne of bones?
I began investigating the issue, and what I uncovered was shocking.
Spoiler: it involves sex and death.
Where Genovia’s Orphans Came From
Let me explain exactly what happened to produce these orphans. It wasn’t pretty.
(Warning: I am about to get explicit. Sensitive readers are advised to adjust their monitor’s gaussian blur so that my words are censored.)
Sometimes, Daddy Rabbit loves Mommy Rabbit a lot. “As much as I love playing Raid Shadow Legends™®© and growing my personal brand with SquareSpace?©™®“ Oh, even more than that, dear reader. Even more than that. Daddy Rabbit loves Mommy Rabbit soooo much that he puts his redacted inside her redacted. Except it’s never that simple. First he drives her to lovers’ lane and asks if she’s ready to do redacted. Mommy Rabbit says “I think so, but please be gentle”. Then Daddy Rabbit gently suggests that maybe they could try redacted as well? Mommy Rabbit says “oh no, I don’t do redacted, I’m not that kind of girl,” Daddy Rabbit says “but all the cool girls at school are doing redacted, and it doesn’t even count as redacted, so technically you’ll still be a redacted.” Then Mommy Rabbit says “um, this is a lot, why don’t we just start with redacted?” So they start having redacted and minutes later, Daddy Rabbit says he redacted and she asks “but didn’t you use a redacted?” and he says “yes but the redacted came off and then I redacted” and she says “oh redacted” and then her ankles swell up like the Hindenberg and her complexion goes down shit creek and when Daddy Rabbit asks if they can do redacted again Mommy Rabbit crams an entire jar of pickles into her cavernous slime-dripping maw and screams “NOT NOW, YOU’RE ALWAYS SO CONTROLLING AND YOU NEVER HOLD SPACE FOR MY EMOTIONS SO STOP DARVO’ING ME WITH TOXIC ABUSIVE NARCOPATH RED FLAG GASLIGHTING BULLSHIT, OHMYGOD FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK WHY ARE MEN” and Daddy Rabbit must accept that his days of redacted are sadly over.
That, essentially, is how a baby is made.
“But the Genova orphans aren’t babies!” You might be arguing, detecting a flaw in my argument. “They’re children.”
Ah, that’s where you need to consider the big picture. Babies don’t stay babies forever. They grow up to be children, and then adults. (Unless you leave them alone in the bathtub because you were watching pro gamer Philip “ImperialHal” Dosen frag the fuck out at the ALGS Grand Finals, then sometimes they don’t quite get there.)
We have every reason to believe that the orphans of Genovia were once babies, which logically necessitates (barring rare cases of parthenogenesis) that sex was involved in their creation.
Yes, it’s disturbing. Yes, we both wish the truth was other than this. But the evidence cannot be ignored, and we need to tackle it head on.
The adorable little plot devices you see in the film were created through sexual intercourse. (!!!)
Your Point? I Already Know How Babies Are Made
Wow, good for you, sweetie! I’m glad you know! Want a pat on the back? A gold star on your homework?
Guess what, buttercup, lots of people don’t know. That’s who this is for! Do you barge into kindergarten spelling lessons and complain to the teacher “stop wasting time, I already know that c is for cat!”
Maybe not everything is for you, hmmmm???
Face it: not everyone lives in your jacuzzi bath of privilege, where you can just know shit any time you want. Some people are born without skin, brains, spinal cords, and exoskeletons. I know a kid who was born with his eyeballs backward. You think you’ve got it rough? His optical nerves are dangling down in front his face like a pair of disturbing tentacles, and his corneas, irises, pupils etc are pointing at the back of his skull. You can imagine how hard it is for him to read. A team of doctors must surgically remove his eyeballs, write a few words in glow-in-the-dark paint against the dark wet bone of his occiputs, then gently reinsert his eyeballs, over and over. They can only fit a few words inside his skull at a time, and reading anything is hellishly slow. His school assigned Moby Dick, and four years later he’s only up to “With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword”. At the rate his his hundreds of surgeries are bankrupting the medical system, it’ll be a million years before that kid learns how babies are made. But one day he’ll be ready, and maybe he’ll learn it from here. That’s who I’m writing this for. For him. The kid with backwards eyeballs. Not you. Get fucked!
In any case, I’m only getting started.
The children are not just any children, they’re orphans. Merriam Webster defines an orphan as…
a child deprived by death of one or usually both parents
ex: He became an orphan when his parents died in a car accident.
Also, Merriam Webster offered these as the top most recent searches. US politics is going well, I take it?
To summarize, the parents of these children are D-E-A-D. That’s the bare minimum to qualify as an orphan. No exceptions. “Well, my Mom’s dead and my Dad lost an arm in a logging accident, can I squeak under the wire?” Nope, two dead parents, or GTFO. Yeah, doesn’t sound so good now, does it? Everyone wants that #OrphanGang street cred…until they find out what’s involved.
How did they die? That’s not important. What is important is that when Mia Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldi confronts the teeming orphan krill, she’s confronting adolescent specters of death, catapulted into the earth by rampant fucking. This is the dark underbelly of the Genovian crown.
It’s no surprise Anne Hathaway never returned to the franchise. The erotothanatic compulsion of sex and death invoked by The Princess Diaries is best not dwelled upon for any length of time. Frankly, I’d rather find Mia’s name on the Epstein flight logs.
“Kissing children. Hugging orphans. What a vulgar, low, despicable, political trick!” – John Rhys-Davies
No Comments »
Comments are moderated and may take up to 24 hours to appear.
No comments yet.