“The last sound on the worthless earth will be two human beings trying to launch a homemade spaceship and already quarreling about where they are going next.” – William Faulkner

“Say what you will about pre-modern European society, no peasant was under any pathetic illusion the monarch would enjoy a beer with them” – @Trilburne

“Our ignorance can be divided into problems and mysteries. When we face a problem, we may not know its solution, but we have insight, increasing knowledge, and an inkling of what we are looking for. When we face a mystery, however, we can only stare in wonder and bewilderment, not knowing what an explanation would even look like.” – Noam Chomsky

“I read War and Peace in 20 minutes. It’s about Russia.” – Woody Allen on speed-readers

“Practice doesn’t make perfect, practice makes permanent.” -Unknown

“What would your good do if evil didn’t exist, and what would the earth look like if all the shadows disappeared? After all, shadows are cast by things and people. Here is the shadow of my sword. But shadows also come from trees and living beings. Do you want to strip the earth of all trees and living things just because of your fantasy of enjoying naked light? You’re stupid.” – Mikhail Bulgakov

“You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style” – Vladimir Nabokov

“If a mosquito has a soul, it is mostly evil. So I don’t have too many qualms about putting a mosquito out of its misery. I’m a little more respectful of ants.” – Douglas Hofstadter

“Hey Hef, how do you get so many bitches?” “Well, for starters, I don’t call them bitches” – Hugh Hefner

“Talent hits a target no one else can hit; genius hits a target no one else can see.” -Arthur Schopenhauer

“If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.” – Antoine de Saint

“My father is the jailhouse. My father is your system… I am only what you made me. I am only a reflection of you.” – Charles Manson

“There is no such thing as a former KGB man.” – Vladimir Putin

From his snowbound manse in Portland, Maine, Stephen King has unleashed his most horrifying work yet. A terrifying look at man’s inner heart, a raw and beating extrusion of pure horror.

I refer, of course, to his Twitter account, which is just the drizzling shits.

Imagine a hacky 1930s vaudeville comic with buck teeth, a spinning bow-tie, and a lapel flower that squirts water. Imagine “topical” humor that was growing only slightly musty in the early years of the Bush presidency. Imagine forwards from your grandma that are forwards from her grandma. Welcome to the Stephen King twitter feed.

The handful of pity retweets/favs renew one’s faith in humanity. Some people are taking a stand against this abomination. But there’s no time to relax, the assault has only just begun.

His jokes are best read with a trombone player supply the “waah waah waah” at each punch line.

What the fuck is this happy horseshit? I want to take the Twitter social media platform to a rape crisis center of some kind, whispering reassurances in its ear. “Everything will be OK. You’re being very brave right now. Just remember…it’s not your fault.”

Just annoying.

Shut up.

I had a small Mogutu-style breakdown when I saw this. How’s this funny or clever? He just took a famous quote and changed it so it’s about Twitter. Yeah, and Gandhi would be like “be the RT you wish to see in the world.” Scary funny!

But there’s more! Are you a fan of low-effort dumbfuck political pandering? Especially of the left-wing variety? Stevie’s got you covered, my friend.

Somewhere, there is a politburo meeting in secret. They are compiling evidence, and building a case. Their thesis is nothing more than this: Twitter must be destroyed.

Obviously, if they rise to power they’ll close Twitter, bulldoze the corporate headquarters, imprison everyone involve, and grind the hard drives into a fine metal powder. But what will happen to the people who use Twitter? They’re the real problem. Final solution: lobotomies all around. They’ll insert a sharp metal rod under your eyelid, gently (or not) insert it past the sphenoid structure, and sever your frontal brain lobe. Not too far, though, or it might be fatal, and we still need people to drive lorries and empty rubbish bins and things. I’m not saying I support this plan. All I’m saying is that it’s real, it’s happening, and right now @StephenKing’s tweets are in the prosecution’s brief.

Is it too much to ask for some entertaining cornball, such as “The man in black created a Twitter account, and the gunslinger followed”?

“You know, it was always a big thing in my life when I was a kid, because I thought Muppets were cool. Now, I’m not talking about the ones that had their own show, I’m talking the Sesame Street ones. I was one of the people that felt that Kermit was a sell-out when he started his own show. I was never really into it. Fozzie Bear is just a wannabe Grover. I always thought there should have been war between the East Coast and West Coast Muppets. That’s just me.” – Joss Whedon

“Some people heard Johnny Rotten’s cry of “get pissed… destroy!” and took this as a call to set up left-wing youth community theatre projects. I set out to get pissed and destroy”
– Ashley Pomeroy

“That tiger didn’t go crazy. That tiger went tiger.”
– Chris Rock

“A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.”
– WH Auden

“Talent hits a target no one else can hit; genius hits a target no one else can see.”
-Arthur Schopenhauer

“Fingers scratching blackboards makes cowards of the brave” – Ronnie James Dio

“When you’re taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?”
– Marilyn Manson

“My favorite joke of his occurred when George was telling me about the joys of grandfatherhood. “If I could have figured out how to have grandchildren without having children first, I would have done so.” Later on, I knew just what he meant – high relatedness, no work. Or as Melvin Newton (Huey’s brother) once put it, “You can serve them ice cream for breakfast, what do you care?”
– Robert Trivers

“I hate when a director says to me ‘Here’s how I envision this scene’…excuse me? It’s right here in the script – I ‘envisioned’ it FOR you. Do what I wrote. If you want to ‘envision’, you should become a writer. Where the fuck were you when the page was blank?”
– Harlan Ellison

“Never underestimate the determination of a kid who is time-rich and cash-poor.”
– Corey Doctorow