You and a friend might have different opinions. You and 24 Hours Later You might also have different opinions.
That happened with Inception, which I loved in the theaters but loved less when I left the theaters and have continued to like less until the current date. Now, I wouldn’t say I like it at all.
In the moment, it felt like second coming of the Matrix. Great action scenes, a strong and unified visual theme, a catchy “everything you know is a lie” riff, and so on. The movie casts a potent spell, but once the spectacle is gone, problems appear.
The plot’s basically nothing. Just a guy trying to con his way to a better life, using a “heist” that’s ridiculously roundabout, convoluted, and likely to fail. They get together on a plane and knock out a businessman’s son and hook him up to a dream machine and enter the dream and fake a hijacking inside the dream and put him into a dream inside the dream and plant a seed of doubt inside his mind and then they [insert complications] just to damage his business prospects? Is there no better way? Can’t they arrange a scandal where he’s caught with a hooker or something?
There are scenes where this movie just cheats on its own rules. Limbo is an inescapable hell, which two characters later escape at a moment’s notice. The characters live in a dreamworld where anything is possible and reality can be manipulated like play-doh, but they never take advantage of this. Okay, Arthur kills a dude with a logical paradox, and they may have magicked up some guns at one point, but that’s it.
But plot holes aside, the movie is just a legalistic series of if/then clauses that could be solved by a computer algorithm. All the effort on the part of the viewer comes from figuring out the premise. Once you understand the premise, the movie solves itself, becoming logical in one of the rare times when that’s not a good thing.
Dreams are irrational, aren’t they? Wouldn’t a dream within a dream would be even more irrational? And yet no matter how far down they travel, the same ironclad rules still apply, the same challenges still face them. You get the feeling they could travel down through a hundred levels of the dream and STILL be fighting the same generic guys with generic 21st century firearms in a generic city environment. Seeing them warp the environment and do incredible things in the beginning, and then the rest of the movie is lame James Bond shit…that was REALLY underwhelming. It feels like a meal where the dessert is served first.
Also, here’s your terrible review tagline. “So disappointing, you’ll wish your mother had used incontraception!!!”
A movie incomprehensible past an event horizon of description. Rearrange the scenes at random and it might make more sense. Replace every fourth word with “waffle”, “spinach” or “collywobbles” and the dialogue would attain new heights of legibility. I can’t tell what the characters are doing, or why. I can’t tell what the writer is doing, or why.
Badness is caused by many factors, and these factors stack like energy requirements on a Pokemon trading card. If enough factors are present (shoestring budget + incompetent writer + incompetent director + horrible foreign translation) it is said that a movie will evolve to Badness Level 3, and unleash a devastating Crap Vortex attack upon the world, ripping a hole in space and time. This is classic example (and a classic in no other sense of the word): a 2002 Indonesian animated feature made by a man called Joseph Lai. I doubt he knows or cares, but Lai is fast becoming a legend in the underground film community, and brain-melting, monkey-raping works of lunacy like this are the reason why.
The alleged plot of the alleged movie is that there’s an angel who gets kicked out of heaven for falling in love with a mortal man. She’s the main character, until she vanishes from the movie, and we’re left with the angel’s handmaiden, who descends down to hell (I think) and becomes queen of a couple of demons (or something). Transition to two guys who are searching for a sword. One of the guys journeys down to hell and meets the angel’s handmaiden and falls in love with her even though she sent monsters to kill him. They have sex (fully clothed), and she has a baby. Literally, right there. One minute after he met her.
Beauty and Warrior isn’t really a “so bad it’s good” cult classic midnight movie. The nonsensical story drags like a one-legged turtle, with the runtime padded out by superfluous crap. Even the fights are as boring as fuck. You know the deal, long drawn out scenes where the two fighters stare into each other’s eyes…on and on and on. Other animes do it. This one does it worse.
Production values are several steps below cut-rate. There’s a one minute sequence where the hero is flying through a rocky tunnel, and it’s just the same footage repeating over and over. Late in the movie there’s a part that isn’t even animated. It’s just a card with voice-overs over it.
Voice acting is horrible, with the dubbing apparently done by tourists abducted from Jakarta’s streets by gunpoint. It’s probable that the movie makes more sense in its native tongue. In English there’s often no correlation between what the characters say and what actually happens on screen.
Beauty and Warrior was an experience. Getting a testicle caught in a particle accelerator is also an experience. Don’t watch, seek out, or think about this movie.
