• Says “here’s the thing” frequently.
  • Views gender as a imaginary construct & gets mad when someone calls him by the wrong imaginary construct.
  • Becomes a Maoist and then reads Wikipedia to learn about his new political views.
  • Strategically leaves volumes of political theory lying around the house so people think he’s reading them.
  • Reads things by authors he hates, hoping to find spelling and grammar mistakes.
  • Points out obvious things, and when nobody replies, says “can’t anyone see it?”
  • Loses an argument and spends the next six years rewriting the argument in his head so that he says all the right things and his opponent looks like an idiot.
  • Uses “progressive” and “old fashioned” in lieu of “right” and “wrong.”
  • Identifies with social movements to the point where he uses “we” when describing historical events. “We were the ones who ended segregation.” No, you didn’t. Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr ended segregation. Your contribution to civil rights is clicking the like button on lots of Facebook posts. Stop taking credit for other people’s accomplishments, fag.
  • Creates a remix and puts his name next to the original artist, such as Elvis vs JXL, implying that it’s a meeting of two equally brilliant musicians instead of an legend having his song jacked around by a nobody.
  • Becomes emotionally invested in ancient historical feuds conducted by people who decayed into peat moss six centuries ago.
  • Reads the list of ingredients out loud while people are eating a meal.

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