You know that guy at work who can burp the alphabet? And does so at length? That’s what this dipshit’s voice sounds like.

Dethklok is the fictional band on Adult Swim’s animated TV show Metalocalypse. As happens to all fictional bands (Spinal Tap, The Monkees, the Blues Brothers), eventually someone smashed the fourth wall with a Flying V and made them real. Obviously it’s possible to beat a joke into the ground through overuse and thereby make it not funny, except Metalocalypse avoids that problem by not being funny in the first place. I’ve watched a few episodes of the show. What am I missing?

It’s just The Big Bang Theory, except about heavy metal. Shallow, pandering references and cheap namedropping, without any effort at serious analysis or commentary. I remember seeing an episode where they’re at a burger joint called “Burzum’s Burgers”. Lest you miss their writers’ sparkling wit, there’s a metal band called “Burzum,” who’s name sounds a bit like “Burger”. Let me try: Underoath Underwear. Bathory Bathtowels. Great stuff. If only I an aisle to roll around laughing in.

Is there good music on this album? Fuck no! Why would there be good music? This is an album made for people who don’t really listen to heavy metal and have no way to tell good from bad – who only appreciate it as a kind of fashion accessory. It’s just crummy unoriginal dogshit from beginning to end. I hate even thinking about it.

The drums have zero reverb and sound sterile and fake. The guitars have no body, and seem half as loud as everything else, especially Brendon Small’s voice. This is bad news, as he should not be twice as loud as ANYTHING, including the repairman working on the power lines next door and the bird crapping on the roof. Words cannot describe how shit his voice is, how utterly devoid of emotion and intensity.

“Murmaider” merely sounds like Pantera with bad production up until he does that incredibly annoying “Knives, check, rope, check, dagger, check” part. Remember Metallica’s “frantic-tick-tick-tick-tick”? This guy apparently decided that was the future of metal. “Awaken” – tonelessly shouting the song title over and over again, awesome. “Bloodrocuted” actually has two or three good riffs, a stupid chorus, and then they self-consciously switch it out and bring in an equally stupid chorus. “Hatredcopter” got a laugh out of me. “Face-Fisted” is more senseless chugging on an album that conspicuously does not need more senseless chugging.

Even when there’s actual songwriting happening, the weak production and bad vocals just cut everything away at the knees. There’s no sense of brutality or heaviness, everything sounds like a fake plastic-like slab of processed sound. The overall tone is something like Slaughter of the Soul era At the Gates with the guitars turned down 9db at the mixing desk, songwriting c/o a troupe of monkeys, with awful burpy vocals. What a horrible, horrible album. If your imam catches you listening to this in the back streets of Riyadh, you richly deserve beheading.

Social groups can be compared to a hurricane – mildly interested folk at the edges, more dedicated followers towards the center, a tight group of fanatics near the middle…and dead center, someone who doesn’t really care that much.

Here’s an interesting article about Loose Change creator Dylan Avery. It’s sort of the equivalent of Rosie O’Donnell coming out of the closet – everyone knew it, but it’s nice to have it in the open.

Loose Change was originally conceived as a fictional film: a way for Avery to polish his filmmaking skills and get his name out there. I don’t think it ever stopped being a fictional film. This thing was huge in 2007, and Dylan became the unofficial spokesperson of the 9/11 Truth movement, but I always wondered if he really believed what his film says. Now he basically says that no, he didn’t.

“Loose Change happened because I wanted to make a film,” he said. “It was born out of the passion of wanting to be a filmmaker. And then Loose Change took over my life, and it’s almost like filmmaking is completely out of the question.” […] “Am I going to be 60 years old, still getting hate mail about a movie I made when I was 20? That’s not what I wanted for myself.”

That’s a strange thing to say if you believe you’ve uncovered proof of a conspiracy to kill 4,000 US citizens in a false flag attack. The biggest domestic scandal of the eternity and he’s bitching about his lost career and how he receives hate mail? It’s like if the Watergate guys had said to the press “hey, while we’ve got your attention, can you also run a piece about the Watergate hotel? Their room service was three-star at best, and my soap had a hair in it.”

Somehow, this unconcerned doofus became the 9/11 Truth leader…or the closest thing to one, because they never exactly had a leader. Its boosters say it doesn’t need leadership: it’s a grassroots organisation, the will of the people coalescing like iron flakes around a magnet. Some even think having any sort of leader is a drawback, that you’ve got to flow as water, etc.

I kind of think that leadership is impossible for such a movement – that the movement fundamentally doesn’t agree on anything beyond one or two talking points, and they can’t actually move in any one direction. Those who live by sharp thingies die by sharp thingies and those who prize ad-hoc networks die by ad-hoc networks.

The “9/11 should have been investigated better” crowd has a goal, but pushing for a better investigation is lost on the section that believes all levels of the US government is complicit in a conspiracy.

Personally, what killed me on the film was how it was obviously porn. Not literal porn, but conspiracy porn. You could see storywriting oozing from every pore: Loose Change was designed to be exciting, not truthful. You could postulate any number of conspiracies that are both a) more boring and b) more practical (like the US knew the attacks were coming and didn’t tell anyone, or they trained the terrorists, or whatever.) Instead you’ve got this convoluted Die Hard plotline with planes getting switched out and simulated with holograms or whatever. I’m surprised there isn’t a part where Hani Hanjour hijacks a plane by holding a gun sideways.

So that’s the sad truth of the 9/11 Conspiracy. It was actually a meta-level 9/11 Conspiracy Conspiracy, with Avery faking it like a Jewish wife in the bedroom in return for fame and riches (which he didn’t get). Although you never know. Maybe he really does believe in a conspiracy, and is now trying to rehabilitate his filmmaking career.

Out of the classic Manowar albums (1982 thru 1990), you could make a case for this one being the best, or at least the most consistent. Kings of Metal‘s best moments are better, but it’s worse moments are far worse. I can never get comfortable with that album, despite the greatness of “Hail and Kill” and “Blood of the Kings”. Listening to it side to side is like sleeping on a luxurious hammock that has several large holes in it. There are no Manowar albums with all killer and no filler, so don’t look for them, but there’s a difference between normal crappy and “Pleasure Slave” crappy. On Sign of the Hammer I merely skip a few tracks. On Kings of Metal I actually deleted several mp3s so I can pretend they don’t exist.

Anyway…

1. Shitty songs: “All Men Play on 10” and “Thunderpick”. The first is an annoying Spinal Tappish self-parody – Manowar is at their best when they’re playing with absolute conviction, not winking at the audience. The second is four minutes of unlistenable bass guitar masturbation. Can someone keep Joey DeMaio away from those higher frets? It’s like giving Bashar Al-Assad access to white phosphorous. It’s nothing personal, he just does not use them for the betterment of humanity.

2. Good songs: “Animals” and “The Oath” – really fun high-energy rockers, the first reminding me of KISS, the second a NWOBHM inspired speed metal song. Not much songwriting going on here, just a shot of Manowar’s larger than life energy, like an Epipen in your arm.

3. Great songs: “Thor, the Powerhead” and “Sign of the Hammer.” Holy crap these rule. Elaborate early power metal, rivaling anything done by Manilla Road and Fates Warning. Great vocals, great instrumentation, and great songwriting equals two bona fide classics. If Manowar sounded like this consistently I’d quit making fun of Joey DeMaio’s ego forever, because he’d have earned it.

4. “Mountains”: the standout track and one of the most incredible moments of Manowar’s career. A long-winded ballad that finishes on a massive emotional crest. This is the sort of song you point to when trying to convert someone on a band. Eric Adams has never sounded better than this.

5. The outlier: “Guyana – Cult of the Damned”. An odd doom metal song that I don’t hate, but it doesn’t really do anything to sell me. Some more bass shredding, some heavy doomy riffs, and a bizarre chorus that sounds like the band flailing around in free-time. An odd lyrical choice for Manowar, too. Just a strange, strange song all around.

I’m torn on whether to recommend this as a first Manowar album. One other thing is that Sign of the Hammer opens with terrible cheese while Kings of Metal opens with the great “Wheels of Fire.”

As is always the case with Manowar, you can get a much better album by just deleting all the garbage and dogshit. The trouble is: sometimes this results in a 20 minute long album. Sign of the Hammer fares better, you still get 33:00 or so of good stuff.