The 80s were a time of great songs and inconsistent albums. Songs like “Nothin’ but a Good Time” and “Youth Gone Wild” are anthems of the age…of all the ages. But when I actually sit down and listen to a Poison or Skid Row album in its entirety, I go skip… listen… skip… skip… listen… skip… skip… skip… listen…

The good news: Dr Feelgood contains songs called “Dr Feelgood” and “Kickstart My Heart.” These two songs are loaded with energy, great riffs, and massive hooks. Crue does nothing but kill on both of these tracks.

The bad news: Dr Feelgood contains nine songs that aren’t “Dr Feelgood” and “Kickstart my Heart.” I can’t remember too much about them. I think “She Goes Down” sounded a little like Aerosmith. Motley Crue sounds completely out to lunch on these songs, they’re just not that memorable or interesting. They kind of sit there, like heavy metal elevator music.

There’s a few ballads, too. Someday you might find yourself answering the $500,000 question on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire: What is the most pleasurable out of these experiences? A) a firehose enema. B) getting your nutsack caught in a particle accelerator. C) a rhinocerous-administered prostate exam. D) a Motley Crue ballad. That’s a tough one. You might run out of time. I’d suggest calling a friend.

Sadly, this was an all too typical scenario in the 80s, where rockstars would turn out one or two really good songs, fool around for forty minutes, and snort the rest of the album advance straight up their nose. Motley Crue compensated a little by making their good songs REALLY good (lots of bands ditched the “good” and went straight to “commercial”) but you still can see a neglect for the album format.

They did this on the album before this, too. “Wild Side” and “Girls Girls Girls” will stay with me forever. The rest of the album doesn’t even exist so far as I’m concerned.

Were they to blame? I don’t think so. They are a band that catered for a certain audience, and that audience likely didn’t listen to vinyl records front to back and memorise every note. I posit that the average Crue fan circa 1990 knew only the big MTV hits. It doesn’t help that glam was one of the most overtly image-focused styles of music ever to exist. It was curiously like rap in that regard. Nevermind the music, playa. Tell me about all the gunshot wounds you got and all the blow you muled.

Anyway, Dr Feelgood has two amazing Crue classics and nine pieces of filler so unambiguous that you could stuff them inside your walls and save money on your heating bills.

Supposedly, this was recorded by sticking a microphone up a dead rat’s ass…

There is a caste of has-beens that barely even seem to exist any more.

I periodically type “Vanilla Ice” into Google, and each time I feel like a prison screw looking inside a cell to make sure the prisoner inside hasn’t hanged himself with his trousers. Vanilla Ice doesn’t even have nostalgia value any more. He’s the worst thing: a novelty act who didn’t realise he was a novelty act. On his Myspace he still tries to sell it that he’s some huge star:

A number 1 record in the UK sounds pretty big. I went on to Wikipedia to assess the bigness.

So it wasn’t in the UK, it was in Ireland. Although I think some of Ireland is still part of the UK, so maybe that’s right. Sort of like how he could say “My song was a smash chart hit!” when the chart in question was Eritrea’s, or “My song is beloved by an entire nation!” when it merely enjoys frequent plays on the Vatican City gramophone.

Also, it wasn’t his song, it was someone else remaking his song.

Still also, the original song is more than twenty years old.

Also still also, the original song is based off a sample from yet another song.

While it’s sad to see this guy bluffing his pair of deuces like it’s a full house, I think he’s missing an opportunity. What The Fun? Listen, man, your original fans a), are now 30-40 years old, and b) don’t care about you. You don’t need to censor your language for teenyboppers on MTV any more.

He should become like fellow has-been superhero Tila Tequila and just write the most surreal mind-bending crap imaginable. That’s the lone benefit of talking to an empty room. You can say whatever you want.